OK, so i think i finally figured out what my problem with relationships is. and I'm only saying it like that because i have no other way of phrasing it.
in the majority of my relationships, it has taken me a while to "get into" the relationship. i hold back in the beginning and I'm not very trusting of the other person. i tend to throw up a wall and in my head that wall is never coming down... but, as soon as that wall comes down, it's like i was standing on top of it and i fall. i fa;; hard. i tend to put so much into it that i don't even think about it. i put the other person first no mater what. if it means driving out to work just to give him zips, even though it is out of the way, then i would do it. that's the kind of person i am. and with all the relationships I've been in, you would think i would know when a relationship is fizzling, and i would be smart enough to get out while i could. Unfortunately, i don't so when the guy breaks up with me it's like i don't even see it coming. even though i probably did. and then it hits me really hard and it takes me forever to get over it, and when i do get over it, i decide that i;m never going to let someone hurt me like that again. so i build up that wall again, making sure no one will damage the Amanda i have become. it becomes this never ending cycle and it is finally starting to make me nauseous. the problem, i don't know how to get off this ride.
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