Can i stay on topic?

OK, so i think i finally figured out what my problem with relationships is. and I'm only saying it like that because i have no other way of phrasing it.

in the majority of my relationships, it has taken me a while to "get into" the relationship. i hold back in the beginning and I'm not very trusting of the other person. i tend to throw up a wall and in my head that wall is never coming down... but, as soon as that wall comes down, it's like i was standing on top of it and i fall. i fa;; hard. i tend to put so much into it that i don't even think about it. i put the other person first no mater what. if it means driving out to work just to give him zips, even though it is out of the way, then i would do it. that's the kind of person i am. and with all the relationships I've been in, you would think i would know when a relationship is fizzling, and i would be smart enough to get out while i could. Unfortunately, i don't so when the guy breaks up with me it's like i don't even see it coming. even though i probably did. and then it hits me really hard and it takes me forever to get over it, and when i do get over it, i decide that i;m never going to let someone hurt me like that again. so i build up that wall again, making sure no one will damage the Amanda i have become. it becomes this never ending cycle and it is finally starting to make me nauseous. the problem, i don't know how to get off this ride.

must be that time.....

i'm feeling under-apreciated.... if that's possible. maybe it's under cared for, or under loved, but any way i say it. i'm lonely. even though i got told-repeatedly-that i rock. i just am not feeling it. i guess it's because i'm home alone tonight. i have no idea where Bea is, Kim is at Brian's(suprise suprise), L&P are't talking to me today unless i instigate it. All of these feelings are probably because i'm going to be starting my red soon. i figured it out when i went to Safeway today just to look around and i ended up buying the perfect chocolatemix for girls everywhere. it has Reese's mini cups, Hershey's Kisses, and Rolos. what a better combo- you ahve your chocolate and peanut butter, your just plain milk chocolate, and your chocolate and carmel. let me just say this- I AM IN HEAVEN!!!lol. well, not really, because as much as i love the chocolate, and the chocolate loves me, i still am not feeling very loved.
oh and btw- YAY!!!! I"M NO LONGER A TEENAGER!!! I'M OFFICIALLY 20 NOW!!!! AND I'M AN AUNT!!!!