feeling special

just a note: everything in red is praise for this guy, which isn't how this post started out being written, it just kinda came out that way. amazing what gets put in your head at 2:30 am...

Why do i always feel like the other girl? it seems like every time i get into a relationship there is another girl who the guy either likes more or had known longer. take for example Walt. Walt is a friend i made over the summer who works inside the Petro. actually, it's the guy i was waiting for in my last post. ha ha ha. we have been getting really close over the past few months. telling each other just about everything. and i mean everything, even if it makes the other.....uncomfortable....heh heh....
well, a little background first. Walt has 2 kids one is just over a year old and the other just over 9 months. i don't know exactly, just what i hear from him. BTW each kid is with a different woman. the first one cheated on him when she was pregnant then after the baby was born, claimed that HE was hurting their child, which, if you knew Walt, that would seem ridiculous. He's so sweet, and caring, i couldn't see it, but now every time he wants to visit his daughter, it has to be supervised. which is crap. Also, the woman he had his son (the 9 month old), we have reason to believe she is cheating on him, he just hasn't caught her in a lie. so he is still with her, mainly out of obligation to his son. he's devoted to the kid, it's really cute. Even with all the crap she puts him through, he tries to mend things with her. he tries so hard. take for example the other day, he made a date with her after work(work ends at midnight) in town. she was supposed to find her own way there. well, he went, exhausted and rather hassled (partially my fault, but that's not the point), and she isn't there. he waits around a little. and she still doesn't show. so he goes home and sure enough, she's asleep in bed. it's horrible to be stood up by a person you live with. he said that if it was any other girl, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. but she frigging lives with the guy! holy cow. anyways,
so here i am listening to this, and realizing that I'm the other girl. We both have feelings for each other, we've told each other so. but can't be in a relationship because of his girlfriend. i can't believe I'm falling into that trap yet again. because, he's amazing. today, i was a little off because of something we talked about the day before, and i was hoping that it wouldn't come across like that, but finally, towards the end of our shift, he asks me if i was OK. i told him that everything was fine. so he asked me again. and again, i told him i was fine. we then stepped outside, he took me in his arms, gave me a wonderful hug, and he asked me again if i was OK. i just looked at him and thanked him for caring so much. no guy has really cared for me that much, just to pull me in his arms to comfort me, even though i protest and say everything is fine. sometimes, it will be something small like buying my pop for me even though we both get the same discounts and stuff, or willing to do something for me that he wouldn't do for my co-workers. other times, it's bigger things, like delving into religious conversations with me, which i walk away from feeling happier than normal, but not because i proved my point, most of the time, his point is clearly stated while mine is confusing. but our conversations are so......amazing. i just have no way to describe it.
He has become such a vital part of my work day and even my day to day life, that I'm glad that we have had the opportunity to work the same shift for so long. I'm surprised they haven't tried to break us up, neither one of us have been very productive when the other is around. lol.
He makes me feel special, like I'm his world, even though, he has so much other stuff going on. he makes me feel loved. which is a feeling i haven't felt in a long time. so, thank you Walter. For everything.

WHY I"M STUPID

ok so it's more like amanda's brain on boys is stupid. So tonight i decided to wait after work for an hour for a guy friend of mine to get off work. we have this running joke that when he's a "non-smoker" i will kiss him. well, today would have been like day 25 or something like that. i don't really remember. anyways, not the point, the point is, i was waiting for him to get off work when i look up and see him, and 2 other smokers standing around, each of them with a cigarette in hand. he doesn't know that i saw him, so we will see what happens tomorrow. so i'm pissed at this point and i take off no longer waiting and in my angry state, i almost hit a deer. you may think i'm joking, but i'm no where near joking about that. i hit the brakes soon enough though, and i start to rush home so i can tell my roommates or post it on here or something. well....i was speeding up a hill-speed limit was 35, i was going about 50- when i see a car coming towards me. i naturally slow down in case it's a cop and sure enough, he flips a u-ie and pulls me over. now here's the kicker, earlier today i was cleaning my room when i found my proof of insurance for my car, i said to myself, i need to remember to put that in there. well, i didn't so i got screwed. first time i have ever been pulled over, and i'm driving recklessly, (almost trying to kill myself, by the officer's words...that was funny because that's kinda how i was feeling) at 1 in the morning, without proof of insurance. (that's a $550 fine for those of you who didn't know.) GOOD JOB IDIOT. sorry, i really feel like beating myself up for getting so worked up over a boy that i end up almost hitting a deer then getting pulled over. i'm calling myself so many names right now it's not even funny. on the bright side, he said that if i can show that i do have insurance and it is valid for today's date, that they will get rid of that, and they should probably be able to knock the other one too. so hopefully i can get that taken care of today or tomorrow so i can get it taken care of.

Can i stay on topic?

OK, so i think i finally figured out what my problem with relationships is. and I'm only saying it like that because i have no other way of phrasing it.

in the majority of my relationships, it has taken me a while to "get into" the relationship. i hold back in the beginning and I'm not very trusting of the other person. i tend to throw up a wall and in my head that wall is never coming down... but, as soon as that wall comes down, it's like i was standing on top of it and i fall. i fa;; hard. i tend to put so much into it that i don't even think about it. i put the other person first no mater what. if it means driving out to work just to give him zips, even though it is out of the way, then i would do it. that's the kind of person i am. and with all the relationships I've been in, you would think i would know when a relationship is fizzling, and i would be smart enough to get out while i could. Unfortunately, i don't so when the guy breaks up with me it's like i don't even see it coming. even though i probably did. and then it hits me really hard and it takes me forever to get over it, and when i do get over it, i decide that i;m never going to let someone hurt me like that again. so i build up that wall again, making sure no one will damage the Amanda i have become. it becomes this never ending cycle and it is finally starting to make me nauseous. the problem, i don't know how to get off this ride.

must be that time.....

i'm feeling under-apreciated.... if that's possible. maybe it's under cared for, or under loved, but any way i say it. i'm lonely. even though i got told-repeatedly-that i rock. i just am not feeling it. i guess it's because i'm home alone tonight. i have no idea where Bea is, Kim is at Brian's(suprise suprise), L&P are't talking to me today unless i instigate it. All of these feelings are probably because i'm going to be starting my red soon. i figured it out when i went to Safeway today just to look around and i ended up buying the perfect chocolatemix for girls everywhere. it has Reese's mini cups, Hershey's Kisses, and Rolos. what a better combo- you ahve your chocolate and peanut butter, your just plain milk chocolate, and your chocolate and carmel. let me just say this- I AM IN HEAVEN!!!lol. well, not really, because as much as i love the chocolate, and the chocolate loves me, i still am not feeling very loved.
oh and btw- YAY!!!! I"M NO LONGER A TEENAGER!!! I'M OFFICIALLY 20 NOW!!!! AND I'M AN AUNT!!!!

YAY

So i have great news!!!! my Birthday is coming up reall soon!!!!!

what did i do this for???

so i moved up to Cheney about a month ago. but i still am not quite comfortable up here. i don't know maybe it's because when i finally got a job, it's not any where near the career path that i wanted to do. i wanted to be a baker and i work with truckers... it's almost the exact opposite in my book. and then there's the fact that i have no social life.... but then again, i almost always have had no social life. but with school having started, and every one else's life getting "back into the swing of things" i kinda feel like maybe i should have stayed in the Tri-cities. there i would have gotten a job-cake decorating even!!!, and i would have had friends, even if they weren't my best friends in the world. but then again, there would have been this slight awkwardness there.... with certain people. but i have the feeling that I'm going to encounter that same awkwardness here..... idk, i kinda miss Kim sometimes, even when she is here if that makes any sense, which i doubt. then there's the fact that both my roommates are or were in a serious relationship and then there's me.... who has been realtionshipless (is that a word??) for about 9 months now... (which sucks BTW) and before that relationship i was without for almost 2 years.... why does everything end up going back to male-female relationships with me.... i swear, i complain more about RELATIONSHIPS than anything else.......
Kim said the other day that i need a life......this is true.....where does one go to look for a life??? should i show up at institute sometime and just hang out there?????there would be some awkwardness there.......if you know what i mean...again back to relationships...sad...well im'm gonna go back to the same thing i've been doing for the past almost week now, and read my book or do online trivia, if my compy is working that is...lol

the renewal of my blog

what a lame life i have. my first blog on this site for over a year is one of complaint. actually it's self- complaint. yes I'm complaining about myself. so it started with this weekend where i told my mom that i would do a cake for some one's birthday in her office. well, i got distracted and ended up not doing it and coming home (around midnight) to find the task completed. so i decided that i would frost the cake in the morning before my mom left for work. so i got up to do it and she was already doing it. i felt bad. but she told me to go ahead and go back to bed so i did. i ended up waking at noon and then started to do the things that i normally do before noon. needless to say, i was so busy trying to do all of my morning things that i neglected my afternoon things, which were, for today, frost the other cake we had here at home and do a bunch of house work. so then i went out and had an enjoyable night with Kim and her mom for Kim's birthday. i probably should have come home when i realized that nothing had been done but i didn't. so i come home top find the housework done and the cake frosted and my parents are probably really mad at me for being so negligent. but they should get used to the fact that I'm not around. after all, i am leaving in less than a week. but they may use that reasoning against me saying that because i am leaving in less than a week i should be dong more around the house i just know that there is no pleasing my parents. they tend to be disappointed no matter what i do. oh well. it's time for me to get some sleep. tomorrow i hope will be better on my part, i hope to get this house looking so good that they will forget that they were ever mad at me.