"if"

I wish there was something i could do to make it all just go away.
If i could hold you to stop the pain, i would.
If i could let you know, you're not alone, i would.
If i could keep you from making big mistakes, i would.
If i could save you from yourself, i would.
If i could show you that i love you, no matter what your mood, i would.
If i could find a way to make the past stop haunting us, i would.
If i could make you see that you are beautiful, i would.
If i could take you to a place where nothing mattered, i would.
If i could have this all turn into a good experience, i would.
If i could stop the world from being so pretentious, i would.
If i could try harder to show you that i care, i would.
If i could give you every thing you ever wanted, i would
If i could do all this, i hope you know, deep in your heart, that i would.
No matter what.

Writing assignment

we had to do a paper on non verbal communication and i just wrote this one, hopefully it's enjoyable!

There she was, standing across the room. He knew she was the one the moment he laid eyes on her. As he watched her dance and sway with the music, he noticed how rhythmically gifted she was. His buddy laid a hand on his shoulder and broke him free of his trance. Without saying a word, his buddy looked from him to the girl, raised his eyebrows and pointed questioningly. As soon as his buddy saw the look in his eye, he started nodding in approval- his way of saying “go for it”. He walked slowly toward her; not wanting to seem too forward. She looked up at him. He froze like a deer in headlights. The connected gaze between them made his face flush. She blushed also and looked away. He didn’t know if he should keep coming until he noticed her smiling through the wave of hair that acted as a shield between her and him. He noticed her friend suddenly look at him, still frozen in the middle of the room, and she smiled and nodded, seemingly in approval of him. The friend then gestured with her hand waving him to her. He continued his approach, now knowing that the girl of his dreams knew he was interested. As soon as he got nearby, her friend started to inch away, giving him room to be near his dream girl. She looked at him and while keeping in time with the music, smiled and nodded at him. A slower paced song came on at that moment, and he offered his hand to her in hopes that she would dance with him. She hesitated, looked around the room, and then accepted. They stood with as much space between them as possible at first. As the song went on and they kept dancing, she slowly inched toward him until they were dancing completely together, not a millimeter between them. Still, they hadn’t had a chance to say a word to each other, the music being far too loud for any human to carry on a conversation. But he could tell from the way she acted that she was interested in him. The song ended and they were still wrapped in each other’s arms. They kept their embrace through the next few songs and she nuzzled her head deeper into his chest. All too soon, there was a tap on his shoulder. He looked up and saw a huge bulk of a man, with a very angry look in his eye. The behemoth gestured with his thumb to himself, the guy, then outside. Confused, our hero looked from the girl to the incredible hulk. She looked at him with a sad, apologetic look in her eye then disappeared into the crowd that was being formed around them. He put his hands up in surrender and backed away from the giant. The giant then broke his angry gaze and smiled at the joke that clearly no one else got. He reached out to the man and grabbed him against his side, shaking with laughter, pulled his wallet out and pointed to a picture. The picture showed an older couple, probably in their forties, the large man, another male, and the girl. The man then released him and shoved him towards the girl. She took his hands, smiled, and then led him away from the party so they could finally talk.

updatish

for those of you who don't know, i have a boyfriend. yes i know, it's been ages since i've been with someone who would actually admit they are going out with me. But this guy is amazing. he has his issues, but there is so much more to him than that. His name is Anthony Slaight, he is a music major and makes me smile everytime i see him. he'sa little slow as far as understanding women, but he's young still. lol we've been dating for just over a month. it's been different with him than any other relationship i've ever been in.

Lonely, i get so lonely...lol

So here i am at school, constantly surrounded by people, and i see the same people every day. so why do i say i am lonely? because at church, i'm in a family ward, where there are a lot of kids. sitting in relief society i counted at least 4 that were with their moms. one of the moms is married to a guy in a few of my classes and they have a kid that is just a few weeks younger than my niece. apparently, since i moved, she has started saying my name. a feat i was trying to get her to do before i left. my mom assures me that it's because she misses me, and i believe it. i miss her too. i wasn't sure if i would get homesick when i moved this time, the last time i moved to somewhere strange and away from people, i got horribly homesick. there were even a few times up in spokane that i was homesick too. since i moved here 2 1/2 weeks ago, i didn't think i would get homesick, it's been nice. i've missed my friends like crazy, but not really "homesick" just "friendsick"(a word me and my house mates have made up to describe how we all feel.) so, despite having probably the funnest house on campus, having a really awesome "boyfriend" having some of the most fun in my life, i am home sick for my baby. and yes, that is what i've been calling her lately. i know she wasn't technically mine, but she is the only baby i know!

wow

isn't it amazing(weird, odd, strange) the way prayers are answered? i pleaded with Heavenly Father that someone from the area i lived in to reach out to me, i begged for anyone, it didn't matter to me who. i wanted an answer right then, expecting a phone call or a text at midnight. hey i know some people who are up that late.... so i was wanting an answer then but didn't get one. so i ended up staying up even later and torturing myself, thinking that there was no one. then one friend who is so anti religion sends me a text in the morning, just to see how i was doing. i don't think this friend realizes how much he helped me out. and i'm not sure i realize how much it helped me. i just can't believe how much God loves me, to send someone who doesn't even recognize His power, just to show that i am appreciated. and i know that this friend will never read this, but i still want to thank him so much. even if his motives for getting in touch with me were kinda selfish, it still made me feel loved and needed. just wanted to get it out there that i believe in the power of prayer and that God hears each and every one of us, no matter how pathetic or pleading the prayer is. i'm so thankful for the knowlege of the gospel that i have. without it i would be in a fairly sad place. anyways, i knew that if i didn't get that down right now, i would forget it. thanks for stopping by!

Monthly poster?

so apparently i only blog once a month lately. sorry bout that. but there isn't anything going on in my life. SERIOUSLY. nothing. well, that's a lie. Kim and Brian are now officially engaged. that's the only thing that has really happened in the past month. i know it's sad. oh in other news, I've been keeping this other blog for the more private stuff that i just want to get out in the open, but that's not the point here. the point is, in this other blog i've been putting down my feelings. i hadn't posted there in longer than i've posted here i think it was feb. but i put down my feelings for a certain individual that February day and then i was on there again today, and i realized that my feelings for that person hasn't changed. it's still, " i know i have to let him/her go, but i don't want to." so yeah, life for me pretty much hasn't changed. don't know what i'm doing this summer, might go back to school in the fall. i'll post again when i figure it out, going to check out the school this week. yup yup. i'm going to go back to doing the same thing i've been doing for the past 3 months. Job hunting and watching tv shows. fun times let me tell you

Quick update

so yeah, still no job, still no life.... same old same old


Comment: this is laced with sarcasm... i appologize if it's not translated into writing very well.
ok... i guess some things have changed in the last month... for starters, i went to Louisville, KY for my sister's wedding. fun stuff... pics are up on Facebook. so i was a little nervous about this cake, and i think i worried too much.. i had a stomach ache when we left-i assumed it was from not eating at all, and i had a stomach ache and a tooth ache when i got back. so much fun.... let me tell you! so to calm my tooth ache, i took pain killers, which seemed to have upset my stomach more, because a week later i was in the Tri-Cities, and i had to go to the clinic because my stomach was killing me. turns out i have a pre-ulceric condition. yeah, that's right, i'm in danger of having an ulcer. i don't know why, it's not like i'm stressed about ANYTHING!!! oh wait, no job, no direction in my life, yeah, that can be stressful then add doing a complete wedding cake from scratch, and lo and behold, STRESS!!! so now i'm taking some pills that i have to take 1/2 hour before breakfast. first off, i didn't eat breakfast before this. secondly, 1/2 hour BEFORE breakfast. that means i have to be awake 1/2 hour before i want to eat. i am so not a morning person.....this sucks. i have to do it for 30 days and here i am finishing week 2 and hating it.

in short, my eating habits have changed drastically. i feel like i'm constantly at the grocery store. the sad part is, i tend to only eat a few things- Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries (c) with milk for breakfast, and tuna fish sandwiches on cracked wheat bread for lunch and dinner. that's it. that's all i've been eating the past two weeks. nothing else sounds good since i have to stay away from spicy and well seasoned food. which is pretty much all i ate before....go figure. i have had some other things, but i always revert back to the tuna.

i think i'm stuck in a rut. i want some big change to happen though. i'm ready to break out of my rut. whether it's because of a man, or because of a job, i don't really care. i just need something to change.

well, i kept it fairly short. YAY ME!!!!

What about writing?

Really in the zone when I'm writing, I have no awareness of my surroundings. Nothing fazes me and no one can break me from my stride when I'm writing. My niece, bless her heart, crying her lungs out, I have no response. My brother walking across the house to calm her does nothing for me. I can only sit and type. Typing is a form of release for me. A very welcome release at that. I almost feel bad about not taking care of my niece, but, she's not my child. I ran into some people from middle school today. Talk about strange. Amazingly enough, only one person ended up talking to me out of that whole group. Oh well. It's still just strange seeing these people. I'm glad the direction my life has taken me. A part of me is happy that I got out of the sink trap called the tri-cities, but another part of me wishes I had stayed and kept in contact with some of these people. Not the ones I ran into today, but others. People who were my friends in high school, who I haven't heard from in ages.

well, it's been a while

Surprise surprise, it's taken me forever to blog again. like an actual blog, not just a random thing here and there.

So towards the end of January, the company i was working for (IdleAire) decided to make some major cut backs. a lot of employees were let go company wide including me. i was devastated. but not because i lost my job and have no source of income, or insurance, or the fact that my entire life plan was derailed. it was because it meant the end of a few friendships that i had come to rely on since the summer. so tonight, sitting at my parents house (i'm just home for the weekend), i am going to talk about these friendships. i don't know what order they are going to go in, but the most important one will probably be last.

*Names have been changed for the sake of the individual*

ok, i just heard the cutest baby sigh when i went to get my power cord. I love my niece!

Ok first off, Amanda. no, i don't miss myself. she worked inside the petro. my friendship with her was interesting. at first i didn't like her because she was working really close with a guy i liked. Then as i got to know her, i found she was an awesome gal. a little later, i didn't like her, i found her kinda annoying. then i liked her again. go figure. when i found out she was being let go around the same time i got let go, i was really sad for her. i have ran into her a few times since then and she seems to be doing alright. which is awesome for her. still no job, but this way she can concentrate on her school work.

Next is Johnny. i don't really know what the state of our friendship was, it was probably more like we were associates. i did work with him. at first he was quiet and didn't talk to anyone, then as time went on, he warmed up. we got along like brother and sister. sometimes we hated each other, sometimes, we were really nice to each other. i even have the scar to prove it. we got into a plastic knife fight one night at work....it was harmless fun, but we ended up leaving our marks on each other. i don't really miss him a lot, but for some reason, i miss him complaining about me to my face. he did that a lot. but it helped me not to have a giant ego. lol.

Ok next is Subway man. i used to know his name i swear.... ok maybe i don't really know his name, i just know him as the subway guy. i would come into the petro for some reason or another, and he would be there. it didn't matter what time i came in, morning or night, he was there. and he always gave me a hard time. i think he only made my sandwich like 4 times. he was like a stalker in one way. always there. i miss being stalked at work by him, even though most of the time i found him annoying.

Lauren, oh Lauren, i miss you so much. Lauren is such a sweet gal. she started on the swing shift, then got moved to graves, then back to swing, then another schedule, which is between morning and graves. at first we weren't friends, because she was on graves so i never saw her, but it took me a while to warm up to her even after that. her and i didn't really start being friends until close to the end of my time with IdleAire. she was older than the rest of us, so she was able to give us all advice, but was still young enough to be cool. i could just vent to her for hours and hours given the chance. she's a really great listener.

I miss Mark! (mark/mike) he was the newest member of Petro that i liked as a person. when we first met, i couldn't remember his name. when i was at home telling my roommate about him, i would always call him mike. so that's how the whole mark/mike thing started. on one of his first few days at Petro, he asked me if i didn't like him. i was totally confused, because i barely knew him. so i asked him why i wouldn't like him and he said it was because he was smoking and i was helping one of my friends quit smoking. so he thought i didn't like him at all just because he smokes. i found that funny and laughed at him. the next day he couldn't remember my name (wow, we are a lot a like, i just realized) so he started asking me for hints and what not. so he decided to just call me Crazy Lady. i told him that as long as i wasn't Crazy Cat Lady, we would be fine. he's an awesome guy, with a lot of his life ahead of him. our schedules seemed to always cross, so we got to see each other a lot. he and i are so alike, so we had some really good conversations, and had fun making fun of each others latest issue. i wonder what happened to him....

Laura. she was my boss so not a lot of friendship there. but she always had a good story. she was a good boss and very understanding. she was hard on us when she needed to be, but because we got the job done, she was usually pretty easy on us. lots of fun stories. we even shared future business ideas. i talked to her when things were bugging me and she told me some great advice. she was there for me when i was having issues with my relationship with my best friend, and when i found out that my sister was getting married.(for some reason that hit me harder than a ton of bricks when i first found out) She was very understanding about my want to get out of the rut i was in so i have to thank her for letting me go. it has helped me out so much. which is kinda weird if you think about it.

Darren. i have never liked darren. we never really got along. i don't know why. but since losing my job, we have been having better times. we would joke around a bit, but nothing ever real. now whenever i go in there, we share a laugh and he seem genuinely interested in my well being. i guess i don't really miss darren, but yet, i wish that i was still working there to see where this friendship might have gone.

Jeff was and is, a very interesting man. he is the swing shift manager inside. we would joke around a lot about being in a relationship and i would pretend to be interested in him to get favors done. we did it mostly to bug the guy i liked. but i do miss him coming up and stealing hugs because i was the "pretty girl who comes in every day". he was and is a dirty old man, but can tend to be a real wise crack.

I miss Randy. he was a friend before he worked at petro, but i was able to actually talk to him when he started work. i haven't talked to him in a long time, but there are things i want to talk to him about. Randy is a really great guy and i love his wife. she is so cute i'm still friends with him, i just don't get to see him

Oh,now we are getting to some real friends here. why did Tom and i get along so well? we were complete opposites. totally and completely on every thing except politics surprisingly enough.

My niece is crying. i don't know if i should help her or not. she might be scared if i go in there right now. ah, my brother took care of it.

Back to Tom. we disagreed on everything, and liked it that way. for some reason i loved going to him for advice. my theory was, he was either totally right, or totally wrong. so i would listen to his advice with a grain of salt, then decide on my own if what he said was right or wrong. i turned to him for a lot of things and am so happy to still have his friendship (even if his intentions are wrong....lol) i guess i don't really miss him, i talk to him 2-3 times a week on messenger, but i felt he needed to be included in this list of awesome people i don't see every day anymore.

Last and certainly not least is Leonard. our first meeting was me getting some change and him saying "so this is when all the pretty girls work out there. on swing! " i of course blushed and said "of course. it's the busiest time of day, and... sex sells." i work at a truck stop one of a handful of girls around a bunch of guys who haven't seen females in at least 1o hours. of course i would use a line like that. my motto then was "sex sells but don't sell sex." a few days later i was on the phone at work when a car passes by and honks. i told my friend "great, now I'm getting random cars on the street honking at me!" turns out, it was him. i talked to him a few days later and found that out. we started flirting a lot. and i discovered he was really likable. Tom tried telling me that it was a bad idea to be interested in him, and i thought it was because pat wanted me to himself, but he told me that he has kids, and a fiancee. i didn't believe him. then one day, i was talking to him and a customer and found out that he did have kids. it wasn't a big deal to me. then i found out they were with two different girls. that scared me a little, but not too much. we had talked about relationships and how most of his had been bad, and i understood that. over a period of time, i found out that he did have a fiancee. i told him that was ok. it was still fun to just flirt. so we continued to flirt. then he had an issue with her, came out to my building and let it all out. he told me and Laura and we both agreed that she was cheating on him and felt bad for him because he is such a great guy. i think i've written about him before, and he is the guy that i admitted to liking before. so this conversation about his woman cheating on him, broke the touch barrier. before this, we hadn't even shaken hands, we were very careful about not touching. he needed a hug, so i gave him one. after that, it was our hands would brush when he handed me change, we would sit closer together at lunch, we would hug at the end of lunch, etc. then one day we were hugging and he leaned in, and i said no way. he was hurt until i told him that i would never kiss a smoker. it is so disgusting! but he smoked a lot. so then he was committed to cutting back. he cut back, and he got really excited when he went 3 whole days without a cigarette. anyways, he quit for a time, then started smoking again, usually when he thought i wouldn't see, or notice. i figured he was smoking, but didn't say anything until i caught him red handed. he is such an awesome guy, and I've written his praises before. when i lost my job, and when he found out he almost cried, but didn't because he was with his girl. i came in the day after he found out and we talked for a long time and he told me that he had asked Randy if it was possible to love two people. it was like a ton of bricks. he basically said that he loved me. i almost cried. it was hard to accept that i had found someone who genuinely likes me, and i lose it to some stupid bimbo who has his claws in him because she had his son. grr.... so i miss him the most. i miss him just about every day. on the days that i go in and see him, it helps but it just hurts a little bit more, because i don't get the same level of fraternization as i used to. so it's like an addictive substance. i get a little taste, and want more, but can't have it. then i go through withdrawals throughout the rest of the week and go back for just another small taste. i went in tonight, not expecting him to be there, but he was. i didn't really have time to talk to him, but i cried about halfway to Ritzville because i wasn't prepared to feel the way i did. I MISS LENNY!!!!!
OK i just wanted to put down in writing what I've been feeling. there are many other people that i miss, but its 1:30 am, and i'm tired now. i started this at 11:30. mainly, i wanted to get down the start of my friendship with Lenny.

Dress Ideas for Mom

These are my top five picks from Nordstrom's online…. I know her colors are purple and green, but these dresses are all really nice and available in the right size…I think… My favorite is the second one

Songs in my head

It's interesting the combination of the two songs..... but it's how i feel, along with a lot of other songs which i'm sure i'll post at some point. Enjoy!!!

Pain-Three Days Grace

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb

You're not the only one

I'll take you by the hand

And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt

When happiness doesn't work

Trust me and take my hand

When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony

Are better than misery

Trust me I've got a plan

When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing

Rather feel pain

I know

That you're wounded

You know

That I'm here to save you

You know

I'm always here for you

I know

That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough

'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain

I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab For Cutie

Love of mine,

Some day you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light

or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school

as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised

by a lady in black

And I held my tongue

as she told me"Son

fear is the heart of love"

So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me

have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes

are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

'cause we'll hold each other soon

In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the No's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

Then I'll follow you into the dark

feeling special

just a note: everything in red is praise for this guy, which isn't how this post started out being written, it just kinda came out that way. amazing what gets put in your head at 2:30 am...

Why do i always feel like the other girl? it seems like every time i get into a relationship there is another girl who the guy either likes more or had known longer. take for example Walt. Walt is a friend i made over the summer who works inside the Petro. actually, it's the guy i was waiting for in my last post. ha ha ha. we have been getting really close over the past few months. telling each other just about everything. and i mean everything, even if it makes the other.....uncomfortable....heh heh....
well, a little background first. Walt has 2 kids one is just over a year old and the other just over 9 months. i don't know exactly, just what i hear from him. BTW each kid is with a different woman. the first one cheated on him when she was pregnant then after the baby was born, claimed that HE was hurting their child, which, if you knew Walt, that would seem ridiculous. He's so sweet, and caring, i couldn't see it, but now every time he wants to visit his daughter, it has to be supervised. which is crap. Also, the woman he had his son (the 9 month old), we have reason to believe she is cheating on him, he just hasn't caught her in a lie. so he is still with her, mainly out of obligation to his son. he's devoted to the kid, it's really cute. Even with all the crap she puts him through, he tries to mend things with her. he tries so hard. take for example the other day, he made a date with her after work(work ends at midnight) in town. she was supposed to find her own way there. well, he went, exhausted and rather hassled (partially my fault, but that's not the point), and she isn't there. he waits around a little. and she still doesn't show. so he goes home and sure enough, she's asleep in bed. it's horrible to be stood up by a person you live with. he said that if it was any other girl, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. but she frigging lives with the guy! holy cow. anyways,
so here i am listening to this, and realizing that I'm the other girl. We both have feelings for each other, we've told each other so. but can't be in a relationship because of his girlfriend. i can't believe I'm falling into that trap yet again. because, he's amazing. today, i was a little off because of something we talked about the day before, and i was hoping that it wouldn't come across like that, but finally, towards the end of our shift, he asks me if i was OK. i told him that everything was fine. so he asked me again. and again, i told him i was fine. we then stepped outside, he took me in his arms, gave me a wonderful hug, and he asked me again if i was OK. i just looked at him and thanked him for caring so much. no guy has really cared for me that much, just to pull me in his arms to comfort me, even though i protest and say everything is fine. sometimes, it will be something small like buying my pop for me even though we both get the same discounts and stuff, or willing to do something for me that he wouldn't do for my co-workers. other times, it's bigger things, like delving into religious conversations with me, which i walk away from feeling happier than normal, but not because i proved my point, most of the time, his point is clearly stated while mine is confusing. but our conversations are so......amazing. i just have no way to describe it.
He has become such a vital part of my work day and even my day to day life, that I'm glad that we have had the opportunity to work the same shift for so long. I'm surprised they haven't tried to break us up, neither one of us have been very productive when the other is around. lol.
He makes me feel special, like I'm his world, even though, he has so much other stuff going on. he makes me feel loved. which is a feeling i haven't felt in a long time. so, thank you Walter. For everything.

WHY I"M STUPID

ok so it's more like amanda's brain on boys is stupid. So tonight i decided to wait after work for an hour for a guy friend of mine to get off work. we have this running joke that when he's a "non-smoker" i will kiss him. well, today would have been like day 25 or something like that. i don't really remember. anyways, not the point, the point is, i was waiting for him to get off work when i look up and see him, and 2 other smokers standing around, each of them with a cigarette in hand. he doesn't know that i saw him, so we will see what happens tomorrow. so i'm pissed at this point and i take off no longer waiting and in my angry state, i almost hit a deer. you may think i'm joking, but i'm no where near joking about that. i hit the brakes soon enough though, and i start to rush home so i can tell my roommates or post it on here or something. well....i was speeding up a hill-speed limit was 35, i was going about 50- when i see a car coming towards me. i naturally slow down in case it's a cop and sure enough, he flips a u-ie and pulls me over. now here's the kicker, earlier today i was cleaning my room when i found my proof of insurance for my car, i said to myself, i need to remember to put that in there. well, i didn't so i got screwed. first time i have ever been pulled over, and i'm driving recklessly, (almost trying to kill myself, by the officer's words...that was funny because that's kinda how i was feeling) at 1 in the morning, without proof of insurance. (that's a $550 fine for those of you who didn't know.) GOOD JOB IDIOT. sorry, i really feel like beating myself up for getting so worked up over a boy that i end up almost hitting a deer then getting pulled over. i'm calling myself so many names right now it's not even funny. on the bright side, he said that if i can show that i do have insurance and it is valid for today's date, that they will get rid of that, and they should probably be able to knock the other one too. so hopefully i can get that taken care of today or tomorrow so i can get it taken care of.

Can i stay on topic?

OK, so i think i finally figured out what my problem with relationships is. and I'm only saying it like that because i have no other way of phrasing it.

in the majority of my relationships, it has taken me a while to "get into" the relationship. i hold back in the beginning and I'm not very trusting of the other person. i tend to throw up a wall and in my head that wall is never coming down... but, as soon as that wall comes down, it's like i was standing on top of it and i fall. i fa;; hard. i tend to put so much into it that i don't even think about it. i put the other person first no mater what. if it means driving out to work just to give him zips, even though it is out of the way, then i would do it. that's the kind of person i am. and with all the relationships I've been in, you would think i would know when a relationship is fizzling, and i would be smart enough to get out while i could. Unfortunately, i don't so when the guy breaks up with me it's like i don't even see it coming. even though i probably did. and then it hits me really hard and it takes me forever to get over it, and when i do get over it, i decide that i;m never going to let someone hurt me like that again. so i build up that wall again, making sure no one will damage the Amanda i have become. it becomes this never ending cycle and it is finally starting to make me nauseous. the problem, i don't know how to get off this ride.

must be that time.....

i'm feeling under-apreciated.... if that's possible. maybe it's under cared for, or under loved, but any way i say it. i'm lonely. even though i got told-repeatedly-that i rock. i just am not feeling it. i guess it's because i'm home alone tonight. i have no idea where Bea is, Kim is at Brian's(suprise suprise), L&P are't talking to me today unless i instigate it. All of these feelings are probably because i'm going to be starting my red soon. i figured it out when i went to Safeway today just to look around and i ended up buying the perfect chocolatemix for girls everywhere. it has Reese's mini cups, Hershey's Kisses, and Rolos. what a better combo- you ahve your chocolate and peanut butter, your just plain milk chocolate, and your chocolate and carmel. let me just say this- I AM IN HEAVEN!!!lol. well, not really, because as much as i love the chocolate, and the chocolate loves me, i still am not feeling very loved.
oh and btw- YAY!!!! I"M NO LONGER A TEENAGER!!! I'M OFFICIALLY 20 NOW!!!! AND I'M AN AUNT!!!!

YAY

So i have great news!!!! my Birthday is coming up reall soon!!!!!

what did i do this for???

so i moved up to Cheney about a month ago. but i still am not quite comfortable up here. i don't know maybe it's because when i finally got a job, it's not any where near the career path that i wanted to do. i wanted to be a baker and i work with truckers... it's almost the exact opposite in my book. and then there's the fact that i have no social life.... but then again, i almost always have had no social life. but with school having started, and every one else's life getting "back into the swing of things" i kinda feel like maybe i should have stayed in the Tri-cities. there i would have gotten a job-cake decorating even!!!, and i would have had friends, even if they weren't my best friends in the world. but then again, there would have been this slight awkwardness there.... with certain people. but i have the feeling that I'm going to encounter that same awkwardness here..... idk, i kinda miss Kim sometimes, even when she is here if that makes any sense, which i doubt. then there's the fact that both my roommates are or were in a serious relationship and then there's me.... who has been realtionshipless (is that a word??) for about 9 months now... (which sucks BTW) and before that relationship i was without for almost 2 years.... why does everything end up going back to male-female relationships with me.... i swear, i complain more about RELATIONSHIPS than anything else.......
Kim said the other day that i need a life......this is true.....where does one go to look for a life??? should i show up at institute sometime and just hang out there?????there would be some awkwardness there.......if you know what i mean...again back to relationships...sad...well im'm gonna go back to the same thing i've been doing for the past almost week now, and read my book or do online trivia, if my compy is working that is...lol

the renewal of my blog

what a lame life i have. my first blog on this site for over a year is one of complaint. actually it's self- complaint. yes I'm complaining about myself. so it started with this weekend where i told my mom that i would do a cake for some one's birthday in her office. well, i got distracted and ended up not doing it and coming home (around midnight) to find the task completed. so i decided that i would frost the cake in the morning before my mom left for work. so i got up to do it and she was already doing it. i felt bad. but she told me to go ahead and go back to bed so i did. i ended up waking at noon and then started to do the things that i normally do before noon. needless to say, i was so busy trying to do all of my morning things that i neglected my afternoon things, which were, for today, frost the other cake we had here at home and do a bunch of house work. so then i went out and had an enjoyable night with Kim and her mom for Kim's birthday. i probably should have come home when i realized that nothing had been done but i didn't. so i come home top find the housework done and the cake frosted and my parents are probably really mad at me for being so negligent. but they should get used to the fact that I'm not around. after all, i am leaving in less than a week. but they may use that reasoning against me saying that because i am leaving in less than a week i should be dong more around the house i just know that there is no pleasing my parents. they tend to be disappointed no matter what i do. oh well. it's time for me to get some sleep. tomorrow i hope will be better on my part, i hope to get this house looking so good that they will forget that they were ever mad at me.

wow...

wow, so i know i haven't blogged here for a while..... but i just got a job and a roomie and an appt!!! so yea, i'm pretty stoked about life now...if you asked me last week, it would have been different. (btw i think i was drunk the last blog i wrote)

so i meant to post this b4 i left to hollywood

yep....trip to hollywood tomorrow, turkey day. it's going to be fun considering the fact that there will be appx24 hour bus trip and i still haven't packed yet....im such a procrastinator!!!its so bad it's almost funny. but ya.....i just realized how long it's been sence i last bloged.... oh well!!! peace out
and have fun with your Turkey Day!!! (i know i will)